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Putting Children First:
Proven Parenting Strategies for
Helping Children Thrive Through
Divorce
By JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D.
Publication: Avery/Penguin, 2010
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NAPPA Gold Award, 2010,
National Parenting
Publications Awards |
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2010
Mom's Choice Awards®
Gold Recipient
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chapter by chapter
summary of content
Chapter One
“My Divorce” – What children say
and what they mean
With astonishing frequency,
children refer to the end of
their parents’ marriage as “my
divorce.” Although they often
hide their feelings from their
parents, in the safety of a
therapist’s office or a support
group, they often express deep
feelings of loss and
overwhelming worry about “What’s
going to happen to me?” Dr.
Pedro-Carroll reveals the
often-hidden feelings children
experience and the beliefs they
hold, including the common but
mistaken conviction that they
caused their parents’ divorce,
or the fear that a parent may
stop loving them, too. She
offers guidance on how to
interpret children’s words and
behaviors at various
developmental stages and how to
communicate effectively with
them in ways that strengthen the
parent-child bonds and foster
children’s resilience.
Chapter Two
Risk and Resilience – The
Potential Impact of Divorce over
Time
Many children feel the
effects of their parents’
divorce throughout their lives,
and too many suffer grave
consequences—social, emotional,
and academic problems, and often
an inability to form loving
partnerships of their own as
adults. The risks are many, and
the notion that children are
automatically resilient just
because they are young is a
popular but mistaken idea.
There is good news, however.
Resilience is based largely on a
set of skills that can be taught
and circumstances that can be
managed. In this chapter,
parents learn how to reduce the
risks for their children and how
to help them become resilient.
This chapter provides personal
accounts from long-term
follow-up with families and
includes research into the
factors that put children in
jeopardy of enduring problems,
and those that help them to
thrive in the face of divorce
and major family changes.
Chapter Three
Telling the Children and
Preparing Them for Changes
Parents’ initial explanation
of their expected divorce is
very important, and there are
reassurances that children
urgently need to hear. The most
important message of all:
“Whatever changes take place
between us, we will always be
your parents. Both of us love
you very much, and the kind of
love we have for you is the kind
that will never end.” This is
the foundation for all of the
explanations and discussions
that follow throughout the days,
weeks, years, and decades
following a divorce. And of
course these words need to be
backed up with consistent
behavior and action.
Added to this bedrock message
are many others that parents can
use to help their children
understand and adjust to the
changes in their lives. This
chapter provides information and
even sample “scripts” that
parents can use as
developmentally appropriate
guides for sharing the difficult
news of their divorce with their
children at various ages.
Chapter Four
Parenting Plans: Positive
Approaches to Difficult
Decisions
Parenting plans are at the
heart of the practical issues
for no-longer-married partners
who still need to raise their
children. This chapter begins by
offering an overview of the
legal options generally
available to parents. Its
primary focus, however, is on
the factors that have proven to
influence the success of shared
parenting when the parents no
longer live together.
Dr. Pedro-Carroll offers
advice and samples of schedules
for each developmental age and
explains how to create and
manage child-focused,
developmentally tailored
parenting plans that minimize
confusion and stress for
children and enable them to
maintain positive relationships
with both parents. All
recommendations are based on a
substantial body of research and
extensive experience working
with children and their parents.
Chapter Five
Taking Control of Conflict and
Taking Care of Yourself
As couples grieve the loss of
their marriage, strong emotions
often erupt or hover just
beneath the surface. Turbulent
emotions often make it difficult
to resolve differences calmly.
Constant exposure to unresolved
conflict can be perilous for
children, so it is critical for
parents to learn how to manage
it.
This chapter is densely
packed with research-based
information and proven ways to
manage anger, restructure the
relationship to a professional
parenting partnership,
understand and use parallel and
cooperative parenting
strategies, communicate, solve
problems, and learn forgiveness
over time. In addition, Dr.
Pedro-Carroll describes the
importance of self-care,
especially during times of
stress, and offers a number of
ways that parents can promote
their own health and well-being.
Chapter Six:
Building Children’s Resilience
Skills
Research has yielded solid
evidence about the external
factors and core emotional
skills that help children to
develop resilience during
difficult times. Parents can
exercise control over many of
the factors that influence
children and can teach and model
critical skills that reduce
children’s anxiety and
strengthen their ability to deal
with family changes and
challenges. Dr. Pedro-Carroll
lays out specific, practical
advice on how to develop the
core emotional skills that lead
to children’s healthy adjustment
and resilience: self-awareness,
empathy, self-regulation,
ability to solve interpersonal
problems, optimism,
self-motivation, persistence,
and hope for the future. She
also provides advice on how to
help soothe and reassure
children and correct their
misconceptions, including a
number of games and creative
activities that parents can use
to strengthen the emotional
bonds with their children.
Chapter Seven:
Emotionally Intelligent
Parenting Before, During and
After Divorce
Quality parenting—by both
parents—is a proven source of
resilience in children,
including those whose parents
divorce. Exactly what is quality
parenting? At its very core are
two critical elements: love and
limits. Children need both. This
chapter provides research-based
information about positive
parenting practices, and then
offers clear, practical advice
about how to provide emotionally
intelligent parenting during and
after a divorce.
Emotionally intelligent
parenting that provides abundant
love and consistent limits
occurs in countless small,
everyday interactions as well as
times of crisis or big
decisions. Communicating often
and effectively, listening
responsively, responding
empathetically, managing
conflict respectfully,
establishing positive discipline
and clear expectations for
behavior, and affirming
children’s efforts and behaviors
that reflect positive values are
all part of quality parenting on
a daily basis. Above all,
repeatedly telling and showing
children how much they are loved
and reinforcing those words with
physical affection make an
enormous difference for
children.
Chapter Eight
New Relationships, Dating and
Remarriage—How the Children See
Them
Parents and children often
have dramatically different
perspectives on new
relationships and remarriages.
Adults have compelling reasons
to become involved in new
relationships after divorce and
it is natural for them to want
to feel loved, desirable and
passionate again.
For children, however, new
relationships means more change,
more adjustments (often huge
ones), and a set of complex
emotions—loss of their dream of
parents’ reconciliation, worry
about losing a special place in
a parent’s heart, confusion
about how to remain loyal to
their “real” parent –and many
more challenges and mixed
emotions, especially if the new
stepparent has children, too.
This chapter provides parents
with some understanding of
children’s often-hidden
perspectives and strategies for
preparing children for a new
relationship and for moving
forward as a family.
Chapter Nine
Life After Divorce—Real
Possibilities for Success
In this final chapter, Dr.
Pedro-Carroll tells the stories
of three families who navigated
huge changes, grief and many
other difficult emotions of
divorce, yet ultimately managed
to put their children first.
Years later, all of their
offspring are well adjusted and
thriving in most aspects of
their lives. They are proof that
when parents focus on their
children, listen to the feelings
behind their words and actions,
contain their own conflict,
provide quality parenting—with
all that implies— take care of
themselves, and, if they enter
into new romantic relationships
do so slowly and carefully, they
provide a foundation for their
children’s healthy adjustment.
Despite the pain and
difficulties and dark days they
all experienced, they never gave
up hope, and never stopped
trying, learning, and growing.
They are a source of hope and
inspiration.
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reviews
"Putting Children First
provides an abundance of
useful information for
parents who are
divorced, thinking about
divorce, or in the
process of divorcing.
JoAnne Pedro-Carroll is
a highly respected
psychologist,
researcher, and
developer of programs
for children.
She draws on scientific
research as well as her
own clinical experience
to provide clear
guidelines for parents
based on the best
available evidence about
what works. I strongly
recommend this book to
parents as well as
mental health and legal
professionals who work
with children from
divorced families."
-Paul R. Amato, Arnold
and Bette Hoffman
Professor of Family
Sociology and
Demography, Pennsylvania
State University
read more reviews... |
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