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info for families and friends
As a family member or friend
of someone going through a
separation or divorce, your love
and support are critical to both
adults and children. You can
strengthen adults’ efforts to
provide quality parenting, and
help their children through
their adjustments, too.
Here are the seven most
important things you can do for
them.
- Express your love and
empathy.
In the turmoil that
surrounds divorce, both
adults and children need to
be loved and to hear that
they are loved. Take every
opportunity to express your
love for parents and
children alike, and share
the safe haven of your heart
with them. Add hugs too. Physical
affection reduces stress and
helps people to feel loved
and supported. Just being
there to listen is
important.
- Protect children from
ongoing conflict. One of
the most destructive forces
in children’s lives is
unresolved conflict between
the two people they love
best—their parents. You can
help by allowing parents to
vent to you in private, but not say
hurtful things about or to
each other when the children
are in earshot. If there is
any sign that parents are
engaged in openly hostile
behavior or aggressive
conflict, intervene
immediately and encourage
them to seek appropriate
help.
- Help children express
their feelings. Brain
research reveals the
importance of labeling
emotions. You can help
children find words that
help them identify their
feelings accurately. Even
young children love to learn
and use big words. Sad,
angry, frustrated, scared,
confused, bewildered, and
other words may help them
identify the tough feelings.
But be sure to help them
find the good feelings, too.
Happy, funny, silly,
excited,
joyful, proud, and many more
are good ways to help
children find and focus on
some positives.
- Keep confidences.
As a trusted family member
or friend, you’re likely to
hear an outpouring of
difficult emotions and lists
of real or perceived wrongs.
You may also know that a
divorce is in the works long
before others do. It’s
particularly important that
children hear the news of
their parents’ divorce
directly from them. By
keeping parents’ confidences
during these difficult
times, you help to protect
children from hearing
rumors.
- Promote
“professional” parenting
relationships. Whenever
it is possible, parents need
to form business-like
parenting partnerships that
focus on the best interests
of their children. You can
help your friend or loved
one maintain a civil and
respectful relationship with
their former partner by
encouraging them to think
about their relationship in
this new way, for their
children's benefit.
- Encourage healthy
choices. At times of
great stress, it is more
important than ever to find
healthy ways to reduce
stress. You can
help your divorcing or
divorced family members and
friends take care of
themselves physically and
emotionally with adequate
rest, nutritious meals, and exercise, and
avoid using alcohol and
other drugs to avoid stress. If you share
healthy activities like an
outdoor hike and/or
meals with parents and
children, you give them the
benefit of your love and
attention and at the same time
help them stay well.
- Provide accurate
understanding. In the
midst of a divorce, many
children develop false and
harmful ideas
about what caused the
divorce or what will happen
to them. A surprising number
believe they have caused
their parents to end their
marriage. And most children
have deep worries and fears
about what will happen to
them. By listening carefully
to children, you may be able
to learn what they are
thinking and feeling, and
then help them to an
accurate understanding—that
their parents’ problems were
grownup problems and not
something they caused or can
solve, and that their
parents will always love and
take good care of them.
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 NAPPA
Gold Award, 2010, National
Parenting Publications Awards
2010 Mom's Choice Awards® Gold Recipient
Putting Children First:
Proven Parenting Strategies
for Helping Children Thrive
Through Divorce
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