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Info for Parents
Like loving parents
everywhere, if you are ending—or
have ended—your marriage or
partnership, you are probably
concerned about the impact on
their children. While research
has shown that divorce does have
an impact on children in many
ways, it has also shown what
parenting practices can help
them adjust and ultimately
thrive.
The brief article below,
originally published by the
Association of Family and
Conciliation Courts, reveals ten
things you can do to foster your
children’s resilience.
(Reprinted here from AFCC eNEWS,
March 2010. See
www.afccnet.org)
Top Ten Tips for Fostering
Children’s Resilience after
Divorce
by JoAnne
Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D.
How children fare during and
after a divorce depends largely
on how parents handle changes
and create quality of life for
their children over time. Many
factors influence their
resilience; research and
clinical practice have shown
these to be among the most
important.
1. Tell and show them you
love them. Repeat very
often. Reassure children that
the love you have for them will
never end—and then back it up
with your behavior. Children
crave parents’ physical
expressions of affection along
with words of love,
encouragement and reassurance.
2. Prepare children for
changes. Begin by telling
them about what will and will
not change for them as a result
of the divorce. “Telling” is not
a one-time event. Continue the
conversation over time, as
family changes continue to
occur. An open line of
communication is a life line for
children, especially during
turbulent times.
3. Strengthen your
relationship with your children.
Do not allow your divorce
from your former partner to
become a divorce from your
children or your role as their
parent. Create frequent,
regular, one-on-one time with
each child. Use play and other
enjoyable activities to build
closer emotional bonds and
express your love and
reassurance. Noticing and
expressing appreciation for your
children’s positive behaviors
and acts of kindness creates
good will that fuels hope,
optimism, and loving
relationships.
4. Help your children
identify their emotions, and
respond with empathy.
Children often hide their real
feelings about a divorce, but by
listening carefully, you can
help them to explore,
understand, and label their
emotions. Neuroscience research
has shown that labeling emotions
has powerful therapeutic effects
in the brain. Your empathy for
what they are experiencing also
helps children cope with
powerful feelings.
5. Contain conflict.
On-going conflict is poisonous
for children, emotionally,
socially and physically, and it
erodes positive parenting. Never
let your children witness
violent or hostile behavior or
hear you denigrate your former
partner. Avoid putting your
children in the middle of your
problems or creating situations
where they feel they must choose
between their parents.
6. Share parenting, if it
is safe to do so. Your
children benefit from two
responsible parents. Reframe
your relationship with your
former spouse as a “business”
partnership whose sole focus is
your children’s well-being. Use
legal options and experienced
therapists to help you and your
former partner keep your
children’s needs a top priority
and create effective parenting
plans.
7. Support and encourage
your child’s safe and healthy
relationship with both parents.
Nurture your children’s healthy
relationship with their other
parent. When problems arise
between them, help your children
discuss it respectfully and help
them find ways to ease their
distress and learn to
problem-solve. Do not burden
children with adult problems
that contribute to loyalty
conflicts and alliances with one
parent at the expense of a
healthy relationship the other.
8. Focus on what is in
your control and strive for
consistent, quality parenting.
Research shows that warmth,
nurturing and empathy along with
effective and consistent
discipline, rules and limits is
related to better adjustment for
children and teens. Children
need and want consistent limits
in both of their homes. Knowing
how they are expected to behave
gives children a sense of
control over their own behavior
and their lives. They feel a
basic sense of trust and
security, even as they learn new
skills within a loving
structure.
9. Teach and model
resilience skills. The
skills that influence resilience
are well defined. Explain and
practice: age appropriate
understanding and acceptance of
family changes, problem solving,
coping skills, understanding and
managing emotions,
differentiating between what can
and cannot be controlled,
expressing empathy, and
fostering hope, competence and
confidence. A supportive
relationship with caring adults
is an essential contributor to
resilience. Reach out for
support and get help when
needed. Resilient children are
connected through faith,
friends, family, nurturing
communities and supportive
resources. Support your child’s
healthy relationships with other
caring adults and mentors.
10. Provide household
structure, routine and
traditions that children
enjoy—including family time
together. Reducing the
number of major changes in a
child’s life and having
consistent structure at home
helps children to feel safer and
more secure when their lives
have changed dramatically.
Regular bedtimes, meals
together, limits on “screen
time,” and plenty of quality
time as a family are all factors
that have proven to positively
influence better social and
emotional adjustment.
JoAnne
Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D., is a
clinical psychologist and child
specialist based in Rochester,
New York. She is the
award-winning author of Putting
Children First: Proven Parenting
Strategies for Helping Children
Thrive after Divorce.
Avery/Penguin, 2010. NAPPA Gold
Award, National Parenting
Publications Awards.
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 NAPPA
Gold Award, 2010, National
Parenting Publications Awards
2010 Mom's Choice Awards® Gold Recipient
Putting Children First:
Proven Parenting Strategies
for Helping Children Thrive
Through Divorce
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